that wordless moment.

A quote from Alexis de Tocqueville's "Two Weeks in the Wilderness":

"How is it that human speech, which has the words for every suffering, encounters an invincible difficulty in conveying the gentlest and most natural emotions of the heart?  Who will ever faithfully depict those exceptionally rare times in life when your physical wellbeing shapes you for a moral peacefulness and when your eyes perceive before them a perfect balance in the universe; a time when the soul, halfway toward sleep, hovers between the present and the future, the real and the possible; when man, surrounded by the beauty of nature, inhaling a calm, cool air, at peace with himself in the midst of a universal quiet, listens closely to the even throb of his arteries, each beat of which thus registers the passage of time, seemingly flowing drop by drop into eternity."

Recommended to me by my grandfather, Bobber, this essay was a wonderful read.  What a uniquely eye-opening experience to see rugged, untouched America through the eyes of a Frenchman.

and there was SNOW in El Paso!

My family and I arrived back home in El Paso from the Baylor bowl game in Houston in a terrible wind and dust storm.  We stopped for a nice, warm early dinner at Olive Garden, and during dessert, my sister looked out the window and...it was snowing!!

SNOW!!!

 Outside Olive Garden!  As you can tell, I am pretty excited.  Eeek!

 Char jumping for joy by the front door of our house.

 The table on the back porch...with the owl that scares away the pigeons.

 Snow over the pool.  Super cool.  

 Snow covered mountains and fields captured on film as I drive into my neighborhood.

 The siblings: Char, me, Christian, and Colin, with our snowman.  

Each of us made a snowball for the body.  

Mine would not gather snow and became the head.  :)

Aww...the four of us. 

 MAYA!  On the run in the snow in the backyard.

 Tackle him, Char!  And Maya, get that bball!

My fav.

It doesn't get much better than this.

our papaya.

Our new puppy, as of August, is now five months old.  Time flies.

Here is my sister, Char, with our puppy, Maya.  (Who we often call Papaya.  She comes to either one!  Teehee.)  Both are super cute.  :)

the Sudan story. (the very long version!)

I went to the interview conference with the idea in my head, placed there by God, of Africa.  It seems that God has always called my heart toward Africa, even when I cannot explain it and do not know it.  “Africa has my heart” is what I tell people.  And God made my heart.

I also went planning to make this decision, that of choosing three jobs by the end of the conference, on my own.  Just me and God.  I am easily influenced by people and have been trying hard to fight against the need to know how others feel about something.  I decided.  No phone calls or texts or emails to anyone about the choice I was making or about the jobs available.  (Thanks, though, to those who texted or called me just to encourage me and let me know you were praying.  You made my day, my week!)

I arrived a day early with 6 other people who all live pretty far from the IMB base.  It was really fun getting to know them pretty well (I mean, for 5 days!) and just hanging out with them before the conference actually started. 

When we arrived on campus, they handed us a binder of information.  So much information.  Overwhelmingly exciting.  Excitingly overwhelming.  (If that makes sense.)  I flipped to the back flap by accident and saw three job suggestions.  Three little notes saying, “Come see me first at the ministry fair, I think you’d be good for these jobs.”  I couldn’t look at them very long…too exciting.  But I noticed the countries the areas they were in: South Asia, Kenya, and Tanzania.

Next day consisted of two hours at the gym, playing everything from tennis to basketball to Frisbee and hula-hoop, with my new friends as we waited for the rest of the candidates to arrive.

At the session that night, they talked about how the decision we were making was not a right or wrong decision, but rather a right or left one.  They said over and over how they would rejoice no matter what God called us to, no matter what His will for us at this time.  Go back home.  Go to grad school.  Go to another state. Or go overseas.

They also talked about being open to ANYWHERE God would lead, even if you have a picture in your head of somewhere.

I took their words to heart.  When I finally received the job packet of over 100 jobs, I immediately crossed off the jobs for couples only and for males only.

After going through the packet at least three times with my new friends late into the night, I had checked off twenty possible jobs.  When I read a little job blurb and something jumped out at me that sounded interesting or like me, I checked it off.  And the jobs were all over the place, although there were many in Sub-Saharan Africa.

Next morning after worship, we met in small group.  Four other girls, our leader, and me!  It was great.  We shared basic information, our testimonies, and our responses to the question “why are you here?” 
Then, it was ministry fair time for my group.  Straightaway, I went to the Sub-Saharan Africa table to talk to the deployment consultant there.  I asked him about the Tanzania and Kenya jobs, but instead of responding, he asked me about my major.  “Oh, biology,” I responded in a voice that was the opposite of enthusiastic.  

“Have you considered the Sudan job?” he asked back.

I had.  It was one of the ones I checked off!  I told him so.

The Sudan job is out in a village.  Half of the job is HIV/AIDS Education (and helping with some discipleship and church planting) and the other half is home-schooling two missionary kids of a family already in Sudan. 

I explained that I hesitated when thinking about that job, because I am not a certified teacher.  Then, he introduced me to a career missionary who had just finished home-schooling her daughter for the first time.  She explained to me how easy it was to learn how to home-school; we talked for 30 minutes.  Then, we walked through the full job description together, including climate, clothing, Christian influence in the area, the language I would be learning, etc.  It sounded very me and very cool and very…right. 

So I put Sudan on my mental job list.

Later, I went back and asked him about the Tanzania and Kenya jobs.  They were essentially the same job, working with university students.  Sounded good.

So I put the Tanzania job, the only job in Tanzania, on my mental job list.

That night after a really great underground church experience with my small group, two girls and I stayed behind to look at the job books and atlases.  I looked at this huge map of the world on the wall with Rachel from my small group.  She was trying to find Macedonia.  We could not find it.  We kept thinking Greece and “isn’t it in the Bible?” but could not see it anywhere. (Turns out it was labeled F.Y.R.O.M., Federal Yugoslavic Republic of Macedonia.  Someone kindly informed us of that the next day!)

I then went to the restroom.  Yes, this is relevant.  There, I prayed, “God, if You want me to go to Sudan or Tanzania, You are going to have to call someone else too.”  You see, both of these jobs are partner jobs, meaning that they will only send two females, not just one.

I walked out of the restroom, and Rachel asks, “Do you know anything about this job?  It just keeps coming up.”  She was pointing to the Sudan job.  YES.  We started freaking out after I told her what I had just prayed.  God is so cool.  No, He is way beyond cool.

The next morning I was looking through the Sub-Saharan job book that contained all of the jobs in Sub-Saharan Africa and kept thinking, “I can’t do that one.  I can’t do this.  I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”  Then, there was a job that looked cool.  But I still felt uncomfortable with part of the job.  I went to talk to the husband career missionary of the home-schooling mom.  He assured me that I would receive adequate training in all evangelism areas.  Ok…cool.  “Are there any other jobs you are looking at?” 

                  

“There’s one,” I told him, “But it says it would be great if you know how to cook from scratch.”  That’s right.  Real scratch.  I told him I don’t even know how to cook!  He again told me, “No problem.  They will teach you that too.  Plus, it is a great way to spend time learning the language and getting to know the women!  Just by spending the day with them as they cook!”  Interesting.

I thanked him, picked up the Sub-Saharan job book again, and sat on the floor up against the wall in that room.  And again I flip through the jobs thinking, “I can’t do that.  I can’t do this one.  I can’t.  I can’t. I can’t.”   And then I heard God.  No, I did not hear Him with my ears.  But I heard, inside my head, a direct rebuttal to my “I can’t.” 

                  

“Alyssa, I can.”

Whoa.  Bam.  DUH!  It hit me like it has hit me oh so many times before.  This life is not about me.  And I was right.  I cannot do anything well or completely.  I cannot make myself do something that I am incapable of doing, and I am incapable of doing quite a lot.  But it is NOT about me.  It is NOT about what I can do.  At all.  It is all about God and what He can do.  I am going to be walking around somewhere, and He will be the one doing everything through me.  How many times does it take God reminding me of His ability to do the impossible before it gets in my head?  Obviously, very many.

It was then that I realized that the Tanzania job was…safe.  Comfortable.  It was basically Alyssa Brown’s perfect plan.  I would go for two years with a very hoity-toity attitude.  I would go thinking, “I got this all under control.”  I would go knowing the language pretty well, the airport, the culture, the people, and how to work with university students.  I would be depending on myself and settling for what I can do, forgetting that I know God and all that I know He can do.

That’s when I saw what God wanted me to do.  He was pushing me to take a step of faith and put the other two jobs on the list after Sudan.  Putting aside the Tanzania job, I did just that. 

That’s what faith is.  It’s not just stepping off a cliff like Indiana Jones onto an invisible bridge that you are pretty sure is there.  Faith is stepping off a cliff, no matter you see or don’t see, because you are sure, certain, 100% positive that God is there. Faith is stepping off a cliff, trusting God that you are actually stepping into His hands.  Period.  It is the belief that God will do something, whether or not there is a bridge.  Faith really is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

                  

So my list?  #1:Sudan.  The other two jobs tied for second.

It was personal reflection time just as I made my decision, so I left the room to go and reflect.  I sat down on a couch away from people.  The building where I was had pictures all over the walls of people from all over the world worshipping.  Of course, the wall across from where I sat had a picture of Africans worshipping.  The focus of the picture was one woman in the middle, and the rest of the people around her were blurred slightly.  It was beautiful.  She was beautiful.  You could see her heart for Jesus being poured forth as she sang. 

I looked down from the picture and noticed Beth Moore’s Voices of the Faithful on the coffee table beside me.  The book is a collection of stories about missionaries, with a different story for each day of the year.  I thought to myself, “Well, I will just look at October 22^nd.  Just to see what’s there.” I opened to October 22^nd.  First sentence on the page?  I read the word aloud.  “Sudan.”

Uh huh.  Sudan.  The story was awesome!  It was about two missionaries who came upon a witch doctor who was performing magic.  When they approached, she was unable to perform magic.  She got angry and forced them to leave.  They did not go far but went behind a nearby house to pray.  Even though she could not see them anymore, she was still unable to do her magic.  She searched and found them quickly saying, “Whatever power you have in you is greater than that inside me.  I want what you have.”  That day the whole village of 150 people came to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

I was in awe of God.  I am in awe of God.  When I read “Sudan,” it was not as if I felt God was saying, “Alyssa, you are going to Sudan.”  Instead, it was more of an assurance.  “Alyssa, I hear you.  I got your back.  When you are willing to follow, I will lead you.”  Ah, my God is so good.  So great!

I recorded everything that I have written here in my journal.  At the end of the conference they told us we would hear about their final decision on our placement after Wednesday, October 27^th. 

I checked my phone on Monday and Tuesday, but I was not planning to carry it with me everywhere until Thursday.  But as I was headed back to the office on Wednesday, my phone started ringing.  Richmond, VA.  What?  I answered.

It was the deployment consultant for Sub-Saharan Africa.  “Have you still been thinking and praying about the Sudan job?”

                  

“Yes…”

“Well, that’s where we feel God wants you to go.”  I think I was screamed or talking really fast at this point.  “That’s awesome!!!”

“It is awesome!”

“Do you know who my partner is?”

“Yes! It's Rachel.”  The Rachel from my small group.

God is so good.  He leads when you ask Him and when you let Him.  He will never leave you in the dark or alone or lost in a fog of the unknown.  It is easy to think that after college, when you are without a plan, you just fall off a cliff.  But really, when you do not know what comes next and you rest in the fact that He does, there is no falling off a cliff.  And it’s not so much like Indiana Jones either, although stepping out slowly with one foot can work. 

I’ve learned that it’s so much better just to jump. 

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” Psalm 55:22

SUDAN.

God answered my prayer from the previous blog.

I am on my way to...SUDAN.

There is a wonderful story of how God brought me to choose Sudan, a country in sub-Saharan Africa, as my first choice during the journeyman interview conference, but I need to take time to write out all the details.  The story will be on here soon!

Thank you for your prayers.

May God cover you today with His peace and bless you beyond belief.

on my way to...

In the morning, I am headed to Richmond, Virginia for the Journeyman Expo Interview Conference.  I will be there from the 19th-23rd.  I will meet amazing people and hear amazing stories.  And then I will get to see the jobs that are currently open around the world.  Eeeeeekkk!!!!

I am so excited.

At the beginning of college, my future was written out...by me.  I had everything laid out, planned perfectly.  For the next 8 years of life.

And then, I realized that my plan was not good for me.  It was not God's best for me.  And that's because it was mine.

Sophomore year at a girls' retreat at my church at college, my pastor, Kyle, made a life-changing remark.  He said that my future is not unknown; it is just un-named.  

"...All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16

God has had the plan all along.  And by all along, I mean before there was a living, breathing Alyssa Robertson Brown.

So my future turned into this fog that only God knows.  Being blind was hard at first, but it was a real comfort knowing I was being led by the One who never sleeps, who is always watching over the earth.  He sees everything.  He knows everything.

And now, the waiting and the trusting is natural.  I can only say that it is through God that I am not a nervous, anxious wreck right now.  He has everything, including what's next for me, in His hands.

And now, as I head off to the Journeyman Conference the future instead appears in my mind as an opening book.  

I am running down the page as it is being turned

Hoping to see 

What is there just beyond all I can see

With my own little eyes.

The next page in life is coming.  I am getting closer to see where He has me planned to be for the next two years.  

I cannot wait to see what letters will form on the page in front of me this week.

Please pray for confidence and continued reliance upon Him.  

Where do I go from here?

Well, I don't know that yet.  

But I do know that I am on my way to...

There.

i will follow You.

New song by Chris Tomlin.  My theme song for life right now...

Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow...


All Your ways are good

All Your ways are sure
I will trust in You alone
Higher than my side
High above my life
I will trust in You alone 

Where You go, I'll go

Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You

Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for You alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in You alone, in You alone

Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You

In You there's life everlasting

In You there's freedom for my soul
In You there joy, unending joy
and I will follow

Where You go, I'll go

Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You


I will follow You.

AMEN!!!!!